I can't remember anything else.....

It's funny how I really can't remember being without Him. The memory is clear in my mind. I'm in a stroller I think and I'm without a doubt eating sixlets. I'm eating them by chewing through the celophane and sucking the chocolate out. Wasn't my mom watching, didn't she worry about me choking. Is this the one thing she didn't worry about? I think I'm 3 or 4 and the question overtakes me like fog. The question that is painted on my mind for the rest of my life maybe. "What was here before God?" The picture in my mind is strange and I still don't really understand it, but like the question it is crystal clear. It is an empty planet, somewhat like a sci-fi futuristic film where life is all but destroyed. But in my picture there are "pipes...." I think they are plumbing pipes and that is the beginning in my head. I'm sure some gifted scholar could interpret this as how I saw the "beginning" or the basic structure. Probably somehow tied to construction. Who cares? It's really cool to me. I see this empty place and I want to know what came before God, who made Him, how did this whole place get started. I think I realized that God made it, but who made Him? I guess in a way that was the beginning of the relationship. It wasn't a quest at all. I didn't need an answer to a question too deep for 4 year old brain cells. It was just the start. It was as if God said, "OK, I'm here!" He grabbed my hand and just started somewhere in the middle of us. I can't remember Him not being there really. Oh sure, there are periods where our relationship is strained, but as for not being here - it hasn't really ever felt that way. Is that how it is for everyone? Does everyone just feel Him? Know His Presence from the beginning? Or was I marked? It is it something special that I have - a gift. I wish it was, but I don't think so. I think maybe the gifting is in the protection and realization of it. As a preschooler I knew Him. I loved church. I loved His Word. I loved His love. So, the question seems like a doubt, but that is the illusion. The question in my preschool mind is a by-product of the strongest reality of my life. I am so acutely aware of God, so absolutely sure that He is there and here that my mini mind has to ask the "why" or "how" of childhood. Not how did the stuff in the world get here? Not even is there reallllly a God? But God's presence is so unquestionable to me that I ask, what was here before Him, how did He get here. You don't ask where did this bouquet of flowers come from if you don't really see the bouquet of flowers in the vase. And when you see, smell and touch the flowers, you don't really doubt they are there. You don't think it's positive thinking or hope. You know you see real flowers sitting in front of you and they are beautiful and they take your breath away and so it is with me and Him. Never doubted his existence in the beginning. He was right there with me. Always has been. Always will be. But the doubts do creep in. They come to an older, tainted mind, polluted by the world, corrupted by the enemy, the one who deceives and lies and steals and destroys. That is poison on this page. This page is about his beauty. He is with me. He is with you. If you aren't sure, you've been deceived. You can get back to where you know it. Think back. I would give my life for people to know that. God is here. God loves you. You can trust Him. You can't figure it out, cause it's way to big for our mini minds.....just know He is God. Be Still & Know that I AM God - Psalm 46:10