Faith & Doubt

The best thing about traffic in the last few years is that you are no longer held captive...that's why it's so great that I didn't have a 35 minute commute before now. Now I can use those 35 minutes to learn. This morning it was Greg Boyd....how he has changed my walk. I love that his head is stuffed full of knowledge and theology and facts and theories, but more, I love that his heart is 99.9999999 % genuine. I guess the only 100% would be in Christ, but Greg Boyd is close, well at least from my seat he is. I'm sure he is as flawed as everyone else....at home where it's safe to raise your voice and lose your temper and disengage. Anyway, he was teaching on doubts and faith and I'm only 20 minutes in, but I get it. God doesn't want robots that force themselves to believe because they want to. He wants the Jacob wrestlers. The Genesis 32:26 kind of people who wrestle out every thing with God and still believe. I want you girls to be those people. I want you to bring all your junk to God and dump it on the floor and sort it out a piece at a time. He can handle it. Actually, only he can handle it. Lately that's how it's been for me. Daddy left his job and I'm still here, how does that work. He hates it here so much that he won't come back, but he left me here. It doesn't add up. If you love someone, how do you leave them in hell on earth? I don't think he did the math, but God knows. He's here with me on the hard days. The days where I cover my face and pretend he can't see me 'cause I can't see him. He pursues me with such a passion some days that the events disguised in 'coincidence wrap' are too much for my brain to comprehend. Sometimes I just don't know how the atheists do it. Do they live all of life in a brown paper bag. How do you deny a creator, a reigning king, the whispers in your head that have no resemblance to your character - impossible. Anyway, it's been really hard lately and I want you to know that when everyone else has failed me, HE is here. He watches me kick and scream and pout and cry. He watches me try to be independent. He sends messages through His word and when I'm this stubborn and I won't even crack it open he uses others: aholyexperience.com, podcasts, tweets and facebook and eventually, i soften just enough to hear. Just enough to know that He's close - that I'll make it if I just lean into him a little harder than I did yesterday. He will help, we will survive. Wait, Pray, Wait, Pray, Wait, Wait, Pray, Cry, Wait....then there will be some light, some hope that this particular wrestling match is complete.